Where do you go to get rid of the sorrow that wants to live in your chest? I can only describe the feeling as a piece that was once there and is now missing. For me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was suffocating on the drive to California and that no matter how deep I tried to breathe in, I couldn't get enough air. Part of the sorrow was made worse by the fact that I couldn't let out a lot of my frustration because Hayden was in the back seat when we found out the birth mother had changed her mind. I don't hide my feelings from Hayden, but we have also protected him throughout this process by not letting him meet the birth mom's and not telling him when the babies were coming, etc... I'm so glad that we have protected him from almost all of this because he would be DEVASTATED if we had to tell him the reason he wasn't going to get his little brother. But unfortunately, we had so much faith in this past (failed) adoption, that we told Hayden that his baby brother was probably going to be here after we got home from California. HUGE mistake in hindsight... but it felt so right and so natural to give him that little glimmer of hope. I'm glad I used the word PROBABLY when I told him that. He still prays that we will get his baby brother every single night, but we've talked about how it will happen when it's supposed to happen. When the Lord is ready for it to happen. It's not a concept easily accepted by a 5 year old, but he is happy and knows that it WILL HAPPEN and that's all that matters.
I started to feel more at peace as I wrote the previous entry in our hotel room in good old Winnemuca, NV. I just needed to let it all out. I haven't been able to sleep much. My future is now completely different and I don't know where we'll go from here. Only time will tell. All I know is that I WILL get through this with the help of the Lord and my amazing husband and son!
Bodega Bay was truly a blessing in disguise. It was just supposed to be one last hurrah before the baby came, but it turned out to be so much more after the heart break. Just the three of us in a quiet town by the sea. We spent hours and hours at the beach- building rivers in the sand, swimming, flying kites and catching tadpoles. We spent hours and hours in the beach house- swimming in the "warm tub"(cooled down hot tub), finding golf balls by the house, making up games with said golf balls and swimming some more. We were unplugged and the only thing that mattered, was us. It was truly refreshing.
I KNOW how blessed I am to have my amazing family. I have a strong, aware, protective, smart, caring, sensitive, fun, spiritual, funny, good looking and loving husband who will be by my side forever. I couldn't ask for more. But I already have more. Hayden is a funny, gregarious, dramatic, excited, mischievous, stubborn, sensitive, caring, protective, joyful, silly, spiritual and loving son. I am surrounded by love and am so very grateful that I have the two of them. After all that has happened- through all of the heart ache- I look at them and know that I am blessed beyond measure.
We are doing fine. We WILL survive this. We WILL find and welcome our newest family member into our loving home. And, we WILL keep living life to the fullest! There is so much to find joy in and we are silly and JOYFUL people! HA!
Breakfast in Winnemuca with my two favorite guys ever!
Hayden LOVING the waves... the water was freezing, but we couldn't get him out.
My man is always by my side and always knows how to keep me smiling. Lucky to be with the love of my life forever!
Enjoying the sand and building some rivers!
Watching the boats sail into the harbor.
Searching for golf balls!
Waiting for LIFT OFF! We kept the kite in the air for a couple of hours. :)
He thought this was the funniest thing ever!!
I love my little, sandy man!
Catching tadpoles and water skeeters with my little man while dad played a round of golf. Hayden caught "Bluey the tadpole" and released him "to be with his family" the next day.
Dad surprised Hayden and picked him up to go on a ride in the golf cart. Pretty "AWESOME"!
I absolutely adore it when Hayden wants to climb into my lap to finish eating when he's too tired. It's the only snuggle time I get from him and I'll take it whenever I can get it!
Pajama party turned into snoozing party soon after we started Toy Story 3!
Last but not least, we love this little shop. It's a little kids wonderland!!
As you can see, this trip was just what we needed and we enjoyed every second of it. All of us. We HAVE each other, we LOVE each other and we will CHERISH our moments together... forever! I am blessed!
KEEP MOVING FORWARD!
Adrienne
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