Groundhog Day...

I really love the movie Groundhog Day, but I certainly don't like feeling like my life has decided to repeat itself... especially in the cycle of a very horrible experience. Like I've said before, writing things down is like therapy to me, so here I go!

Several months ago, we went through a failed adoption. We got to the point in the relationship where it was time for placement and then the birthmother changed her mind after she gave birth and decided to keep the baby.  Well after that, Kyle and I picked ourselves back up, we jumped right back into the adoption process again and got published back on the website at the end of March.

Less than a week after we were put back on the adoption website, we were contacted by a girl who was interested in us and wanted to get to know us more. Well, come to find out, she had really liked our profile when she found us on the website in January, but was disappointed that we had been taken off line because of the adoption process that we had previously gone through. When that adoption failed she was so happy to find us back online and contacted us shortly after we were published again at the very beginning of April. We were so excited to be in contact with her.

We got to know each other through emails over the next month and then decided it was time for our first face to face meeting with her and her caseworker. We met for the first time in mid May and the meeting went really well. We met with the birth mom, birth grandmother (birth mom's mother) and birth father and an agency caseworker. Of course, we fell in love with the whole birth family instantly. They were all amazing, down to earth people that you could just sit and talk to for hours. We talked openly about our desires to be parents and they all talked openly about their desires of what they would want for this child's future. Turns out, we were in that future and we were so excited!

Over the next couple of months, we went out with the birth mom several times to get to know her better and the birth father joined us one time as well. We grew to love these birth parents and became quite close. We pictured a future with the both of them... and the child in it.

By early July, we felt so comfortable with the birth parents and their decision, that I knew in my heart that this was probably going to be our miracle. That our little family of three was going to soon be a family of four! We were excited!

I wrote this post in our family blog:
MONDAY, JULY 9, 2012
A prayer in our hearts...

As many of you know, we've been published again on our adoption website and waiting for another new little miracle to join our family. We were actually contacted by a new birth mom a few months back and we've been talking about the possibility of adopting this sweet little baby boy soon. It feels surreal right now after all of the heart ache that we just went through only a few short months ago, but we are feeling more ready and stronger than ever to begin this journey and welcome our newest family member into our home. We are cautiously optimistic that this will be our time. That this new baby about ready to be born is being sent straight to us from the arms of our loving Heavenly Father.

I keep telling Kyle that I just feel nothing but peace this time around. All throughout the failed adoption experience a few months ago, I was filled with anxiety over every little thing that came our way. But I feel the Lord by my side through out this newest adoption process and the peace has helped me immensely. I KNOW with out a doubt that I can and will be able to do this. I have the Lord and Kyle by my side and I've allowed myself to feel some excitement for our upcoming possibility!  It doesn't mean that it's going to be any easier, but I know that I can do it and that I will survive it BECAUSE I have the Lord and Kyle on my side. What a reassuring feeling of hope!

Hopefully this time next month we will have our newest little family member!!! What a true miracle that will be. I am trying to prepare right now by being cautiously optimistic and by focusing most of my time and efforts on my family and others who might need me. What a difference a few months can make... in some ways, I have become a better person because of that failed adoption. That DOES NOT mean I ever want to go through that again. I am just grateful for what I learned and how much more I appreciate life and the people in it, after going through that hard ship. I'm glad it's over, but I'm also glad that it changed me for the better.

I am ready for our new baby. I am excited... cautiously excited! We are all ready for him to join our family and we know that the Lord has been and will be with us every single step of the way! Come what may!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Adrienne

I was ready for our future. We were ALL ready for our future. We had planned a vacation out to Bodega Bay (one of our favorite family vacation spots) and as we were planning it, we heard word from our birth mother that we had one last meeting to iron details out with our case workers before she went into the hospital to give birth. She also told me that day that she was going to be induced on July 25th. We were so excited to know and be prepared for a specific date. We got a little nervous because we had just planned and paid for this vacation as well and wouldn't be getting home until three days before the birth... but we were OVER THE MOON EXCITED for our new future ahead of us! I even told Hayden that we would probably be welcoming a new baby brother into our home after our vacation. Of course, he then went around telling everyone that we were getting our new baby after our trip!  (Hayden has been so excited about his "new baby brother".  He asks Heavenly Father every single night to please send him to our family. It truly is the sweetest little prayer ever!)  Kyle and I settled on a name for little man and started organizing the baby stuff to be a little more prepared for our newest arrival.

Well, this past Saturday was our final meeting with the birth mom and her mother. The birth father couldn't make it because he works in a different city and so it was just the four of us and both of our caseworkers at the meeting. Kyle and I felt like the meeting went very well.  The birth family was all smiles after everything was discussed and so we thought they were happy with the meeting too. It's a hard thing to discuss visits with the birth mom after placement. We felt good about agreeing to a few visits up until the child was two. We promised that we would stay in contact with pictures, emails, letters, texts, etc... We all said that we'd keep our relationship open and that we would all just have to see how the child is doing and do whatever is best for the child at that time. We know that that is such an important part of the healing process for the birth mother and each on of us involved and we had no problems with visits. We didn't want to promise anything else after the child was two because we didn't want to make a promise that we couldn't keep.  We just don't know what will be going on two years from now.

There's so many variables when it comes to what happens over a span of two years. What if we move out of state? There's no way of knowing where we will be and where the birth mother will be, even six months from now, let alone two years from now. We don't even know how the child will be in two years. What if the child starts having problems coping with adoption at some point in the future? As an adopted child I know how much you just want to feel normal sometimes and feel like everyone else around you.  Children don't want to feel DIFFERENT and it can be hard at times.

The number one most important thing that I can do for my children is to bring a sense of normalcy into their lives.  Adoption is the most special and wonderful blessing that has been such an amazing part of my life. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for my two amazing parents that loved me and definitely helped in shaping me into the person that I am today. My birthmother gave me that and I will be eternally grateful to her for that! But adoption doesn't define me as a person and it doesn't define Hayden as a person either. Also, with adoption comes A LOT of questions from other people who don't really understand it because they haven't really lived any of it. They've just "seen someone who was adopted" or "heard of someone who was adopted".

Whenever people find out that I'm adopted, I get ALL KINDS of questions... good ones and yes, sometimes insensitive ones. As an adult I'm more than happy to answer those questions, like "how I feel about being adopted" or "do I want a relationship with my birthparents", etc... But growing up as an adopted child it can sometimes feel like a very confusing and sometimes scary thing to often be asked those questions. Kyle and I will ALWAYS be open with our kids about adoption and their birth stories. They will always have access to their birth family's information. But if our kids are confused or feeling different, you'd better believe that I will do everything in my power to make sure that they know that they are SPECIAL and LOVED, just as my parents always did for all of us kids when we were growing up!  

On that little random side note, we don't have any clue what our next child will be feeling like in two, three, four, etc... years and we don't want to make a promise that we can't keep when it comes to visits. Everything we do for our children will always be with their best interest in mind. If they NEED visits we will give them that. If they NEED space to cope with questions or fears, we will give them that. Everything I do as a mother is always with my child's best interest in mind. So, we promised the birth mother that we would never loose contact, but that we couldn't promise visits past the age of two because we don't know where any of us (Kyle, me and the birthparents) will be or how the child will be doing by then.  I don't ever make a promise that I can't keep.  

We felt good about our meeting. We felt that the birth mom and her mother felt good about the meeting. We told her what we were planning on naming the baby and she liked that. She had a birth plan and a placement plan. We would come and meet the child at placement. We would do the placement in the hospital after the birth mom and her family spent their hospital stay with the baby and then got discharged. We knew that she needed the time with the child and we felt good about the plan. We all agreed upon it and everyone said what they needed to say.  We all left the meeting with smiles on our faces. We all left the meeting happy and with the same plan in mind.  We were all prepared for the 25th of July, the placement and growing relationship that would happen after placement. 

We then went for take out with the birth mom and her mother and then went back to their home to eat. We spent a couple of hours with them that day and we felt happy and ready for the future. We were prepared to welcome our newest little miracle in two weeks and we couldn't have been happier!

Here comes the hard part... we are driving out to Bodega Bay as I write this. Many hours ago we got blindsided by the devastating news. The birth mother has changed her mind and wants another adoptive couple who can have a more open relationship with her.  We were totally shocked because she had told us that the visits, the letters, the pictures and building a relationship after placement (like we had talked about in our last meeting) were exactly what she was hoping for.  Obviously, we weren't what she was looking for, but I wish she would have let us know earlier. Instead of going out with us many times, building a relationship and keeping us around until the very end and then just blindsiding us with an email saying that we're not open enough for her.

Groundhog day sucks... it hurts just as bad as last time. We just lost our future with this girl that we love. We lost our special relationship with her. We lost the baby we thought was going to be ours. We lost the future we thought we had. It all came out of nowhere and that's what hurt the most. Of course we still love this girl and the loss of the relationship with her hurts just as bad as the loss of the child we thought we were going to have. A double loss that we weren't even prepared for... totally blindsided.

Kyle and I will be fine. We have each other and we are stronger than ever. Our plans have altered a little bit, but we will make it through. We have THE MOST AMAZING son that anyone could ever ask for. How lucky are we? After having my moment to cry, I just looked at my two boys and knew how blessed I was to have them in my heart and life AND eternity forever.  We will all survive this. Hayden was pretty sad when we told him that plans had changed, but he kept saying that "we just have two babies that are probably going to come"! HA, we'll take it! If he can keep the faith, then so can I!!

The best thing that Kyle and I can do now is to MOVE FORWARD. It has somehow become our life motto and we will continue on our journey through adoption, with faith that our newest family member is just around the corner. We are sad to go through this heartache again, but we are ready to start again and we have faith that this WILL HAPPEN for us.

I took this picture about an hour after we got the bad news today. 

The sun always comes out after the storm... it was a good reminder to me that this heartache will pass and I will have my new future with our newest little one in it. My family DOES have a bright future and I am sure going to enjoy every single minute that I can have with them. I AM BLESSED!

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Adrienne