Wow, it has been a rough couple of months for us. As many of you know or have guessed, we were planning on welcoming a new little family member into our home and the adoption ended up falling through. I have actually written down all of my feelings about the experiences that we went through- leading up to this adoption- that never came to pass. I haven't decided if I am going to post that story with all of the gory details or not... maybe one day. All I know is that writing about it was my only therapy throughout this experience that allowed me to keep on going when I felt like I should just be running the other way!
As for now, here are pieces of our story and a little insight into what has happened over the last couple of months. I haven't included the birth parent's names, anybody involved, exact locations or background stories. I still feel very protective of this birthmother and wouldn't want to throw her story out to the world wide web, so everything is in general terms. With that being said, for those of you who might be curious as to what the adoption process is like from the adoptive couple's point of view, here's our story...
We received a phone call from our caseworker that there was a birth parent couple who was interested in us as possible adoptive parents of their child. She warned us that this situation was a little bit different because the birth father was still involved and not quite sure about the whole adoption thing all together. She asked if we would want to be contacted by them and if we would want to proceed with a possible adoption with them, already knowing that it would be risky to do so. We said yes.
This was around the end of January. So, we waited for a couple of days and then received our first email from the birthparents, introducing themselves and wanting to get to know more information about us. We emailed back and forth, building a relationship with the birth mother for a couple of weeks. Because she lived in the Saint George area and the birth father lived in the Salt Lake area, we knew we were mostly talking with the birthmother during most of the communications, if not all of them. Then we spoke with her over the phone for a little bit and decided it was time to meet for our face to face meeting.
After communicating back and forth like this for a while, (it was the third week in February) Kyle and I packed up and headed down to Saint George for the meeting. We were so extremely nervous that we were going to say something stupid or not be what she was looking for, etc... We thought we were going to be meeting both parents, but the birth father ended up having such a difficult time with even thinking about adoption that he didn't end up even driving down to Saint George to meet us. Even so, it was such a wonderful meeting and we grew to love this girl so much. After discussing all the hard stuff with the caseworker and the birth mother- like post placement visits with the baby and what kind of relationship we wanted to have after placement (sounds easy, but it's difficult when you're thinking of every single person involved in the visits, including the child). We all left the agency- the birth mother, Kyle and I went to grab a smoothie and talk some more. We ended up hanging out for at least an hour. It was such a beautiful experience and we had truly begun to love this new, fabulous person in our lives. She wanted to pick us up to have dinner with her family that night, so we went to our hotel and rested and geared up for meeting her family. Again, we were extremely nervous about meeting her family. She hadn't told us that she had picked us to be the adoptive couple yet, so what if her parents didn't like us? We were really nervous.
We thought we were driving to a restaurant or something and then I think Kyle and I got a little confused when we started driving through a more suburban neighborhood. She parked her car on the street and then turned to both of us and said something like, "I just wanted to surprise you guys and tell you that I picked you. Congratulations, you're having a boy!" My eyes started welling up and I gave her a huge hug!! We started joking because somehow Kyle thought he heard her say that we were going over to her aunts house earlier and she didn't know how he had guessed it and had wanted it to be a surprise for us. Well, it was a HUGE surprise, neither of us had any idea!
We walked into the house and we were so, so nervous. They had it all decorated for a baby shower with baby boy stuff everywhere. We were totally surprised! Her whole family was there to support her and they kept congratulating us on our soon to be baby boy. The birth mom's ultrasounds were posted on the wall and there were all sorts of fun baby shower games that we played. We ate yummy food and then it was time for the presents. They had all bought us some wonderful presents for our newest little addition and it was so fun. But we were so worried about the birth mom during this whole time. We didn't want her to feel hurt that we were celebrating while she was dealing with such a difficult time in her life. But she had told us that the shower was her idea and so we wanted to be happy for her as well. It was a tough situation! We finished presents and then sat and talked for a while. We listened to some of her songs that she had recorded and she is such a talented person. We were so impressed by her talent and humility. It was official, we had fallen in love with this beautiful person and we were so grateful to have her in our lives.
After she dropped us off that night, we immediately called our parents and told them the wonderful news. We were warned by our case worker (again) that this adoption might not actually come about. So we made sure to tell them that we could all be cautiously optimistic about having a new baby boy in a few weeks!!! We were too excited to sleep and so we went out to see a movie. The next day, we stopped by her house and sat and talked with her and her parents for at least two hours. They are such an amazing family and we were so grateful to all of them for such a special weekend. They kept joking about how much we probably had to prepare for, since the birth mom was due the third week in March. Her due date was literally one month away from that day. She also told us that she was measuring a week early and that her doctor said she could go into labor earlier because she was so young. So we really needed to be prepared within the next two weeks to be safe!
We were so excited! We got home and told Hayden the wonderful news that he was going to be an older brother. He was so excited that he was going to be getting a little brother soon. He would run out of the front door most days screaming, "I'm getting my baby soon"!! We didn't tell him when it was going to happen, we just told him that it was going to happen. But he could tell that we were preparing for our newest little miracle. We bought a new bassinet, bottles, an Easter Basket... everything.
So we were trying to prepare for a new baby in our home without trying to be too excited about it actually happening. We were told to be cautiously excited about welcoming a new little spirit into our family. How do you prepare for a new little one without getting attached? It's nearly impossible to do such a thing. I waited for a couple of weeks after the birth mother had picked us and then I started buying little outfits, toys, burp clothes, etc... It's hard to not picture what your life is going to be like in the next couple of weeks, especially with the possibility of a new little miracle being added to it.
At the beginning of March we started getting some scary news. We were learning that the birth father wasn't really on board with us as the adoptive parents (even though he had never met us) and that his mom was trying to stop the whole thing. But, he still had not signed the birth father registry so we were told that the adoption was still likely going to happen. Our caseworker just wanted to sit us down with the birth father so that we could get to know each other a little bit better.
Those first two weeks in March were literally hell for us. I was checking emails everyday, just hoping to hear from the birth mother. Hoping that she had something to say to us, something positive... anything! She sent us a couple of texts with the updates from her doctors visits. Those few words really helped me get through my days. And then the week before she went into labor she sent me a text with the baby's heart beat on it. It was a tender mercy for me.
The second week in March was probably the worst week in my entire life. On Monday, March 12th (the beginning of the end) we found out that the birth father had threatened that he actually signed the birth parent registry and was going to serve the birthmother with papers. Our caseworker couldn't find that he had actually signed the registry, so we all thought it was just a threat. I literally wanted to run and hide from being in this situation. But, there was really no where to go. All I could do was cry. I cried mostly for the child in this fight. I was extremely grateful for my own birthparents at that very moment. They gave me the world when they placed me for adoption. A life that I never would have had without my two amazing parents who raised me and helped shape me into who I am today! I also cried for the birth mother that night. She is such an amazing person and has such an amazing life ahead of her. So many goals and dreams. He was trying to take that all away from her by strong arming her into keeping the child when she clearly wanted to place and had her birth/placement plan and everything. Also... I cried a little bit for my self. I had absolutely no control over anything and there was nothing that I could do to change it. The situation just plain sucked.
Tuesday, March 13th was such a horrible, horrible day. We were waiting to hear ANY news about whether or not he had signed the papers. Whether the adoption was still on, we wanted to hear anything by this point. The waiting was literally the worst part of the last two months... horrible, horrible waiting.
Wednesday, March 14th was about the same. Our case worker told me that she would call with news. Even if they didn't find anything on the registry, she would just call to talk. So I tried to keep busy. I tried to finalize packing for the trip down to Saint George, when we got the call that she was going into labor and plan for the "possible" placement of the child into our arms. I was trying to pick out something special to give to the birth parents. I had found the perfect things that I wanted to give to the birth mother, but I had no idea what we could really give to the birth father. We didn't know him and didn't get a chance to build a relationship with him like we had with her. It was so easy to get her the perfect gift. Actually, no gift is perfect or even comes close to the gift that the birthmother is giving us, but it felt like the perfect token of our gratitude for her in our lives.
After picking up the final treats and gifts for the birth parents, I finished my voice lesson and received the call from our case worker. The birth father had in fact signed the registry and was going to serve her with papers. My heart dropped. But she also said that the birth mother's caseworker had talked to him and found out that it was really his mom who actually did all of the paperwork and he didn't even read what he was signing. He had just wanted to be recognized as the birth father in case he wanted to change his mind about the adoption. So that brought us some hope. Both caseworkers were trying to organize a meeting for us on Thursday, to meet with the birth father and his mom and then our caseworker would mediate for us. It's such a weird and scary thing to even think about meeting somebody who holds the literal key to your future and he doesn't even know you at all. Our caseworker told us to keep our whole day open on Thursday, just in case she was able to set up the meeting with him and his mother.
I canceled everything that day, I couldn't even think about working at that point. I actually sat down and wrote out most of our story that day because I was so anxious. I ended up taking Hayden and some of his friends to the park and that's when I got THE call. It was 3:30 p.m. and our caseworker called and asked what I was doing at that very moment. I told her that I had canceled work and that I was at the park with Hayden. She said good, because the birth mom has gone into labor. We don't know when she's going to have this baby, but the birth father is going to head down there after work and tonight would be a great night for you to all sit down together and talk about things. She asked me what I thought about doing that and I told her that I'd have to get back to her after talking to Kyle about it, but that it seemed like our best option. I put the kids in the car and as I was dropping them off, the birth mother called me to let me know that she had gone into labor. She wanted to know if we would like to come down and meet in the hospital and finally meet the birth father. Of course I had to say yes, it was coming straight from her and I told her good luck and that we loved her and would be thinking about her.
I called Kyle and told him to come straight home from work and to get ready to leave for Saint George because our baby was on his way! We were packed and out of the house in less than two hours. We even had our hotel room booked and ready for us when we got there. We had Hayden packed for the weekend with the grandparents, our own items packed, gifts for the birth parents, a pack and play, a car seat, and every possible baby item you could think of. We were going down and relying on faith that everything would work out for the best. It was really our only option. We were asked to be there by the birth mother and we were going to be there for her, to support her in her decision to place with us. We made it down there at 10:30 that night. It was obviously too late to meet with them that night, so their caseworker was going to call us in the morning to set up the meeting with the birthfather and his mom. A meeting we weren't really looking forward to because of everything we had been told that his mom was trying to do to stop this from happening.
We both slept horribly that night. We didn't hear anything until around 12:00 on Friday afternoon. Like I said, the waiting was probably the worst part of this whole process. Waiting for calls, texts, emails... horrible, horrible, anxiously waiting. We were told that the birth mother had been sent home the night before because she was still only dilated to a 1. So we could have waited to drive down there until Friday afternoon and I could have actually been there for Hayden's kindergarten orientation, but that's life! The caseworker then told us that the birthmother had gone back into the hospital and was being admitted this time. The birth mother was going to call us when she was ready for us to come over to the hospital and meet with the birth father. We tried to keep busy, but its hard to really do anything because you have to be available for each phone call and ready to drop whatever you are doing so you can head over to either the agency or hospital when you're asked to. We got to know our hotel room and t.v. very well! So, that just means more and more waiting.
Around 4:30, the birthmother called us and wanted us to come over and meet the birthfather and talk with the two of them for a little bit. Well, we got there when his mother was just walking in. We had put together a little goody bag for each of them and we awkwardly hugged and said our first greetings and introduced ourselves. His mom literally acted as if we weren't even in the room. I have never been treated so rudely in my whole entire life. It was such an unwelcome situation that we didn't even get much of a chance to say anything to the birth father and felt like we had to leave 10 minutes after walking into the room. We felt so bad because we really wanted to be there for the birth mother, but there was really nothing more that we could do. We were cordial and asked every possible question that we could think of to keep the conversation going, but no one else in the room was talking, and when you're being thrown invisible daggers by someone that you don't even know, you eventually just have to walk away. That was rough. I have never let anyone have enough power over me that they actually made me cry. She ALMOST made me cry, but I didn't give her that. The birth mother had asked us to be there and so we were there for her.
Anyway, it all just seemed to go down hill from there. As we were leaving the hospital room, I told the birth mother to just keep in touch and that we'd be praying that everything runs smooth for her. I told both birth parents to let us know if we could do anything for either of them and told them that we loved them.
We decided that if we didn't get out of our hotel room that night that we were going to go insane. So we finished our phone calls that updated our parents and headed out to go see a movie. We laughed the whole two hours and it felt so good to feel a different emotion than just plain worry.
We didn't hear a thing all night on Friday night. We thought for sure that we'd get a call in the middle of the night that little man had been born. We didn't hear a thing... not a thing. We had to check out of our hotel room on Saturday morning because when we got the call on Thursday to head down there, we didn't know how long we would be there and we seriously got one of the last rooms in Saint George. The hotels were all sold out due to the Blue Angels Air Show and a bunch of baseball tournaments (or games?) as well. So we finally found a room that Saturday, but we couldn't check in until 3:00. Again, we hadn't heard anything about the baby and we had no where to go... to wait... some more... horrible, horrible, anxiously, scared waiting.
We decided to go to Village Inn and grab brunch. We sat and kind of stared at each other the whole meal. Were we seriously there, in this situation? It kind of felt surreal. We finally received a text from their caseworker around 12:00 asking if we had heard anything. Are you serious??? We had not heard a thing since we had left her hospital room on Friday night and the caseworker doesn't know anything??? That was a good sign, ha! Was it a stillborn? Was she STILL in labor? Had she changed her mind? We had no idea what was going on and that was NOT a good feeling.
The next two hours were super fun. Kyle had to get out and walk around and all I wanted to do was sit. I didn't want to be around a bunch of strangers, pretending to be enjoying my time shopping when all I really wanted to do was run away, or at least just be in a safe environment. I sat in the car while Kyle walked the mall... good times!
We finally got a call from their caseworker that the baby had been born on Friday night and that the birth mother's parents thought that we had been informed. They were so extremely embarrassed that we didn't even know. That was not a good sign at all. The birth mother forgot to call us... bad, bad, bad sign.
The birth mother was suffering with some bad side affects from the epidural. She was going to get some relief soon from a special procedure and then she was going to have her caseworker come over and talk to them because she didn't feel like the birth father was on the same page as her about the adoption anymore. Bad, bad, bad sign. Her caseworker told us that she'd let us know when she was headed over to talk to the both of them. We picked them up some flowers to send with her so that they would know that we were thinking of them. It was really all that we could do. All we could do was wait some more. Wait and pray... horrible, horrible, anxiously, scared, terrified waiting.
We finally heard from her caseworker that night at 9:00, after she had met with both of them. We also received a text from the birthmother around the same time. The only communication that we had received from her in more than 24 hours and she texted us that she had been thinking of us all day and hoped that we had been enjoying our time in Saint George... not so much enjoyment going on over here! The caseworker then said that the birth father seemed to have decided to tell the birth mother that he loved her and that they should try to make this work. (Hopefully all of the hateful paper work that he and his mother filed against her isn't going to hurt her and the baby in the end.) Awesome... we seriously just wanted to drive home right then and there. She said that the birth mother still didn't know what to do and that they would give us an answer in the morning. Seriously??? If it hadn't have been so late and such bad weather, we would have packed up and left without their final decision. The least they could have done is to not make us wait any more. We drove down there on Thursday and we were still waiting on Saturday night. We literally saw them for 10 minutes on Friday night with the most excruciating treatment by his mother that either of us has ever experienced. And now, we were asked to wait for their final decision... horrible, horrible, anxiously, terrified, heart-broken waiting.
Saturday night was a fun night. We tried to sleep, but that's impossible when you're whole future rests in the arms of two teenagers who haven't figured theirs out yet. We didn't hear a thing until 10:45 that morning. Of course you know the final ending to our story... she changed her mind and they are going to keep the baby and raise it together. Of course that is their right, he was never our child in the first place. He would have only become our child at placement and as you can see, that never happened. The caseworker told us that the birthmother was going to call us and tell us herself. Believe me, that was not a phone call that I was looking forward to. She said she'd probably call in the next 10 minutes, but she didn't call for a while. Again, we were waiting for a very, very uncomfortable experience... horrible, horrible, anxiously, heart-broken, grieving waiting.
She finally called one and half hours later, as we were headed out of Saint George. I didn't even know what to say. She seemed like she was still unsure of her decision but told me that the birth father didn't want to go through with the adoption. That kind of felt like a slap in the face because I knew that she had chosen him over her original decision, us. I know that having to call us must have been one of the most difficult things for her, but blaming it all on him just felt like a slap in the face. The least she could have done was just tell me that she had picked him instead. I just thanked her for letting us know, because I know that must have been so hard for her to do and told her that we loved her and truly wished the best for her. What else could I say? It was the longest and hardest 5 minute phone conversation that I have ever had in all of my life and all I could do was say those things over and over again. I think she wanted me to tell her or reassure her that it was okay. It was not okay! We truly do love her, we are obviously heart broken, but we still love her. And we really do hope, for her and the child's sake, that things work out for them. One of the hardest things about this whole situation is that you grow to love this girl, who is going to be such a big part of yours and your child's life and now she is just gone. Not only did we loose our planned future with our newest little bundle of joy, but we lost this special person whom we fell in love with too. It was definitely a double loss and it just plain sucks.
So, here we are, Kyle and I are planning for a new future. We are okay, we will heal from this. We have definitely felt a major loss, but we will survive and eventually move on. The one thing that I am grateful for is that I didn't get to actually meet and hold that baby. I didn't have a chance to bond with him and then have him taken away from me. He was always just a possibility for me, and in the end, he never was. I am truly grateful for that. We are grieving that loss, but we have each other and we will make it through this together... stronger.
Hayden will be okay. I made sure that we didn't tell him why and that nobody else told him why we were really going down to Saint George. That wouldn't be fair to do to him if the adoption wasn't a sure thing... and it obviously wasn't. We just told him we were going on a trip for a very important meeting and that he gets to have a sleepover with Grandma and Nana all weekend. And all I said to him last week (before all of this horribleness went down) was that we didn't know when our baby was coming and that we might have to wait a long time for him. I'm so grateful I did that. In fact, I asked him today why it's taking Heavenly Father so long to send us "his baby" (that's what Hayden calls him)? He told me that Heavenly Father and his baby are up in heaven, swimming through the clouds. I truly believe that our next little miracle is up in Heaven ("swimming through the clouds") with Heavenly Father, just watching excitedly and waiting to join our family.
We are ready to start over again. It might take us a while to build a relationship with another birth mother. But we now know what to be careful of when walking into this new relationship and we will be praying that this relationship will be a good, strong relationship that will make it through the birth and hopefully throughout our lives. Just like our wonderful, amazing relationship with Hayden's birth mother. We truly thank the Lord everyday for Hayden and we are so grateful that she loved him so much that she wanted him to have the best life possible, a life full of love with two parents. And we are blessed beyond measure to be those two parents for all of eternity. Adoption is truly a miracle and we are ready for our next little miracle... hopefully sooner rather than later. We can do this!
KEEP MOVING FORWARD!
Adrienne
